“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
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Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
No regrets in 2018
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
asking santa clause for nudes
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.