Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
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Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh