Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
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Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”