“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
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they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.