Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
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Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.