My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
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In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Become a minion. Get that bread.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Ha.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Meanwhile in Canada…
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”