My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
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Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
grotesque if literal: baby food
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
The Book. The Movie.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
6: are snakes just neck?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.