Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
I would like even faster food.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.