I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
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i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
damn he’s good
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey