Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
You Might Also Like
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here