[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
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*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Note to self: always read the final line
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.