Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
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Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
$4 #usedbooks
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?