You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
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House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.