why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
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If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”