if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
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Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Wait a minute
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.