Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
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Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.