[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
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Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Nothing.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry