Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
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If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
LMAO
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???