[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
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Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*