Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
You Might Also Like
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off