*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
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Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
i baked you a cake
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.