Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
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Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Livid.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.