Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
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My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.