me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
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I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix