God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
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GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
How is it still this week?
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
bought wrong eggs
#Caturday
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it