love it when they get my name right
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that’s really how it is
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive