Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
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Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
screw you
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
sistine chapel
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Good point.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?