Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
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*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.