I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
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My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
How to properly lift a body
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
me after eating Cheetos
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”