Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Netflix and you sit over there.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas