I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
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Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?