Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
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‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”