“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
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[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
another case of gang violins