Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
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[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
when you don’t want to be too vague
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception