I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
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*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China