Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
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My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity