I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
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Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Just a reminder, folks:
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”