When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
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Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings