mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
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Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.