Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
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Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
This is my bus stop.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!