Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
You Might Also Like
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter