Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
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For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.