At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
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Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.