don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Basketball
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!