They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
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I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit