And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
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[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this