How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
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Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service