[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
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My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules