What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
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When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]