ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
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*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim